Aaron's 3rd Yahrzeit

The following is the d'var torah I delivered at our siyum on Monday night for Aaron's 3rd yahrzeit. I'm posting it today, the anniversary of his death on English calendar. May all who knew him take comfort in their memories of Aaron and in their faith that his essence lives on.

B’rshus harav, beloved family and friends:

Debbie and I offer our deepest thanks and appreciation to all of you for participating in tonight’s memorial marking the third yahrzeit of our dear son Aaron, Aharon Elimelech Z’L. Your presence, your chizuk, and especially your day to day friendship mean more to us than any words of ours can express.

Three years ago today at Aaron's levaya, I began my hesped with the words "I'm not supposed to be here". Tonight, I'd like to ask a somewhat similar question, one that we could collectively be asking: "why are we here"? What is the significance, what indeed is the relevance of marking the occasion of a yahrzeit with a siyum? This question has been much on my mind these past few days, and I'd like to suggest some possible responses and perhaps a connection to Aaron in particular.

Harav Pinchas Teitz Z'L, the founder and Rosh Yeshiva of Aaron's Mesivta, noted – as often quoted by his children and grandchildren – that the special kaddish said at a siyum is also recited on just one other occasion – that of a levaya, a funeral. This is the only form of kaddish that mentions techiyas hamaysim, the resurrection of the dead, explicitly, and thus seems quite appropriate for a levaya. But isn't it rather anomalous to recite this same kaddish at siyumim? After all, we know that a siyum is generally associated with happy occasions. Just a few weeks ago, right before Pesach, those of us who are bechorim - first borns (like myself and Aaron) – attended a special siyum enabling us to eat on what would otherwise have been a fast day. Many have a similar practice during the nine days between the first and the ninth of Av, of holding a siyum which then allows meat to be eaten during what would otherwise be a period of semi-mourning. So why then, do siyumin also seem to be linked with the most somber occasions of death and bereavement?

Perhaps the significance of this connection between siyumim and loss, between completing a section of learning and the completion of a life, is that from the former, we can help find an approach for understanding the latter. What do we recite upon finishing a masechte:

Hardan… We will return to you, you will return to us. Just are we expect to review our learning again, so too we hope that we will be reunited with our loved ones with the resurrection, the techiyas hamaysim.

Daatan/Lo sisnashi… We are thinking of you, you of us. We will not forget you, nor you us. Clearly, we understand that we are thinking of the masechte that we learned, but how can we possibly say that it is thinking of us too? Yet chazal chose these words to emphasize that indeed, on some level we can't rationally understand, the very maseches we learned has us in mind.

The connection to a lost loved one is clear. We all have the opportunity to think about Aaron – some just occasionally, while for some, like Debbie and me, not a moment goes by that he is out of our thoughts. We can sometimes distract, but never truly forget. And therefore, just as we are thinking of and remembering Aaron, we are to understand that he is looking down at us and thinking of us as well. This may seem as great as mystery, as remote from everyday experience, as the idea that the maseches we learned keeps us in mind. Yet I believe deeply that Aaron is still watching over and communicating with us, and both Debbie and I have had experiences over these past three years that reinforce and deepen this belief.

In the previous two years, I selected the mesechtos on which to make Aaron's siyum, and in each case there was particular relevance to the one I chose. This year, the maseches was selected by my son Ben, who as I mentioned also made this same siyum tonight in eretz yisroel. But there is special meaning to his choice as well. Beitzah deals with the laws of yom tov, and many of our final and most intense memories of Aaron are connected with yom tov, that final Pesach together on which his illness was beginning to become apparent. And yes, perhaps it does also get back to Beitzah, the egg after all. The egg, the food eaten at a seudas havraah, at a mourners's first meal. The universal symbol of life, of the cycle of life, of the belief that that which seems lost will come around and be found once again.

And speaking of different masechtos. One important point about the hadran and the other words said after completing a meseches, is that no matter how long or short the maseches we learned was, the same formula is used, the same words and the same special kaddish is said. There is no "abbreviated version" of the Hadran for a shorter maseches. This tells us that all learning, no matter the number of pages or how long it took to complete, is special unto itself and of tremendous value. So too, every life we mourn is of incalculable worth – regardless of whether the individual was granted length of years or - as in Aaron's case – so very few. Aaron's span may have resembled a "Horayos" more than a "Bava Basra", but there are still so many memories he has left us with, as painful as it might be to being them to mind.

When we complete a maseches, it is appropriate to ponder what we have learned from it. So tonight, as a maseches was completed tonight in Aaron's honor, let's all try to remember what we had the opportunity to learn from him in his short time here on earth. To paraphrase the famous words of chazal, "U'mibinee yoser miculam" from my son I've learned the most of all. There are many lessons that Aaron's life and actions have set for me, and in some ways, despite being the father, I'm still working to catch up with him. To mention just two:
- Work hard, but also enjoy yourself. Succeed, but don't forget to have fun!
- If you have talent, abilities, or good fortune, don't be selfish with them - share them with others. We've all so often heard about how Aaron had quietly, without fanfare, coached so many of his fellow students in a variety of subjects throughout high school, a trait that inspired the Chai Lifeline fund which you and others have so generously supported.
- And don't stop here – please think of your own lessons that you learned from Aaron.

Let me conclude these thoughts as I did tonight's siyum, with the words of the hadran:
- Hadran… may we return to each other
- Daatan… we are thinking about you, may you think of us
- Lo sisnashei… may we never forget you Aaron, and may you never forget us.

May Aaron’s legacy and Aaron’s memory continue to be a source of comfort and strength to all of us who knew him, and may his neshama be a malitz yosher for us and for all of klal yisroel. Amen.

Musical Monday #44

A lot going on right now, with the most immediate - and emotionally encompassing - being Aaron's third yahrzeit, which begins tonight. I have much on my mind that I do really want to write about, but with my recent track record, I can't promise that any it will see the light of Blogger. Meanwhile though, I'm going ahead with this week's Musical Monday - a distraction that's perhaps all the more necessary on this very difficult day.

Welcome to the 44th edition of Musical Monday, the weekly quiz that Soccer Dad and I alternate hosting. The challenge, as always, is to identify the title and artist for each song quote, as well as the common theme of the set of songs. Please play fair - no googling allowed!

1) "You're gonna' take away my energy"
2) "Candy and Ronnie, have you seen them yet?"
3) "He said that any love is good love"
4) "Just because we get around"
5) "Keeping it a mystery gets to me"
6) "Yes, we're going to a party party"
7) "I watch the ripples change their size"
8) "I'll make a good woman steal"
9) "You start a conversation you can't even finish it"
10) "Don't you know about the bird?"
11) "Went to a dance looking for romance"
12) "I left home just a week before"
13) "I got no rap against the southern states"
14) "I feel so good if I just say the word"
15) "You got to gimme' a fight; why don't you just let it be?"
16) "Does anybody wonder, anybody care?"
17) "And from what I've seen I believe 'em"
18) "I'm the fox you've been waiting for"
19) "Savin' his pennies for someday"
20) "I'm the bleeding volcano"
21) "Honey, disconnect the phone"
22) "Se necesita una poca de gracia"
23) "It gets worse here everyday"
24) "And though our health we drank a thousand times"

Good luck and enjoy!

Musical Monday #42

Welcome to the 42nd edition of Musical Monday, the weekly quiz that Soccer Dad and I alternate hosting. The challenge, as always, is to identify the title and artist for each song quote, as well as the common theme of the set of songs.

Note that the songs are broken into two sets, a larger and a smaller one. The songs in the first group (1-23) have one commonality, the others (24-27) have a different one, which taken together with the first will illuminate the overall theme of today's Musical Monday.

1) "You'd laugh and say nothing's that simple"
2) "So love me, hold me, love me, hold me"
3) "I don't want no one, if I can't have you to myself"
4) "You operate and motivate on synthetic fuel"
5) "Though the pavements are one huge crowd"
6) "Lord knows I'm to blame"
7) "Where did we lose the touch, that seemed to mean so much?"
8) "Like the warm September wind, babe"
9) "I can't get used to living without, living without"
10) "Everyday in the week I'm in a different city"
11) "Just sixteen a pick up truck, out of money out of luck"
12) "There's one more kid that will never go to school"
13) "You can melt the ice that chills my body"
14) "It's a long day livin' in Reseda"
15) "If there's a man who is down and needs a helping hand"
16) "Now who's standing at the door remembering the days before?"
17) "There was nobody calling me up for favors"
18) "You've gotta pay to play, so don't you stand in my way"
19) "Some others choose the good old family home"
20) "A planet of playthings, we dance on the strings"
21) "The world still astounds you each time you look at a star"
22) "I pulled my harpoon out of my dirty red bandanna"
23) "Let's move before they raise the parking rate!"

24) "They snap their teeth on your cigarette"
25) "He’s my favorite honky!"
26) "Hatty told Matty, 'Let's don't take no chance'"
27) "We were moving mountains long before we knew we could"

Good luck and enjoy!

Taxed Out Monday

Beware the Ides of April - especially when Pesach and Tax Day come together!

Between finishing up my taxes - a task I uncharacteristically left for the last minute this year - and Pesach cleaning, I was utterly taxed out, in many senses of the word, this Sunday. Hope to still get a Musical Monday post out later today, so sorry for the delay. I actually have two or three other topics I've been wanting to write about as well, but we'll have to see how this week goes.

Homeward Bound

"Homeward bound
I wish I was
Homeward bound" - Simon and Garfunkel

Today's the day! Ben is coming home today!

He's been learning in Israel since late August, and is coming back for Pesach break - plus a score of appointments and other obligations we squeezed in for him during the upcoming couple of weeks.

We haven't seen him in over seven months. Has it really been that long? What will it be like this afternoon, seeing him again after so much time? How much has must have changed and matured over all this time, intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually! But he'll still - will always - be my little boy, albeit a head taller than his old man.

We have some well-meaning (I charitably hope) acquaintances who, when we discussed Ben's plans and how we couldn't wait for this day, responded with varying degrees of disapproval and even scorn. "Why are you 'letting' him come home for Pesach?? How can you deprive him of the 'full Israel experience'??", they would say.

Beyond MYOB, how can I respond to such people? Can they possibly know how difficult, how wrenching it was for us, as bereaved parents, to even allow another child out of our sight, let alone so very far away, in the first place? God willing, may they never understand our world. Or know why the simple, normal possibility of sending a child away for just a little while, and then having him return, is so strange and bittersweet to us.

Welcome back, Ben. We missed you more than we can say, or will ever truly let you know.

Musical Monday #40

"A word is worth a coin, silence is worth two" - The Talmud

" " - Marcel Marceau

Welcome to the 40th edition of Musical Monday, the weekly quiz that Soccer Dad and I alternate hosting. The challenge, as always, is to identify the title and artist for each song quote, as well as the common theme of the set of songs. But as you will soon see - or perhaps not see would be a more accurate term - this week's MM is somewhat different than usual. Consider it either a slightly early April Fools Day edition, or a rather late Purim edition. Or perhaps just a sign of premature senility as MM enters its forties.

In any case, since admittedly the song "quotes" (gee, I just put "quotes" in quotes - how "meta" of me!) today may just be a smidge harder than usual to identify, I have also provided, for each song, the year in which it charted as well as a crossword puzzle-like clue relating to the title. Let nobody say I'm not the soul of generosity!

Also, I will confirm that every song on this list either was a Billboard top-10 hit and/or is by a well-known "classic rock" artist.

Without further ado, here goes nothing - literally!

1) " " (1958) (Mexican potent potable)
2) " " (1960) (Pre-movie warning)
3) " " (1962) (Unripe allium)
4) " " (1962) (Mediterranean nuptial dance)
5) " " (1963) (Untamed Saturday and Sunday)
6) " " (1963) (Petrol conduit)
7) " " (1963) (Erase/eradicate)
8) " " (1964) (Beyond boundaries)
9) " " (1965) (Hip horde)
10) " " (1966) (Ode to wart-giver)
11) " " (1966) (The sound of silent lyrics)
12) " " (1967) (For touching the spirit?)
13) " " (1968) (Traditional neon?)
14) " " (1969) (Soot hills?)
15) " " (1969) (Music to "Book 'em" by)
16) " " (1970) (Pete's operatic opening)
17) " " (1972) (No more room)
18) " " (1972) (Joan Jett's love, the sequel)
19) " " (1972) (Movie nosh)
20) " " (1973) (Shelley's monster)
21) " " (1973) (Conjurer's catchphrase)
22) " " (1973) ('Toon Roger's sultry spouse)
23) " " (1974) (Wiper of spilled A&W?)
24) " " (1974) (Audible brotherly love)
25) " " (1975) (Elevated blaze)
26) " " (1976) (Hurry-up dance)
27) " " (1976) (Fly-killing tune?)
28) " " (1976) (Fractional Ludwig)
29) " " (1977) (Hooray for the hoi polloi)
30) " " (1977) (My plane's departing?)
31) " " (1977) (Disco 'Droids)
32) " " (1978) (Pleasantly caresses?)
33) " " (1978) (Volcanic uproar)
34) " " (1979) (Wake-up call)
35) " " (1982) (Is Ben Hur burning?)
36) " " (1985) (Cue Sonny and Rico)

Good luck, enjoy, and... April Fools!

Maseches Grynegznham

(Credit - and thanks - to my son Shalom for the initial concept!)

Seder [Order] Seuss
Maseches [Tractate] Grynegznham
Perek Aleph [Chapter 1], "Amar Rav Samayam"

MISHNAH: Amar Rabbi Samayam - R. Samayam stated: Grynegznham asur b'achila - it is prohibited to eat Grynegznham. Asur b'achila here or there. Asur b'achila anywhere. Asur b'achila in a house or with a mouse. Asur b'achila in a box or with a fox. Asur b'achila in a car or in a tree. Asur b'achila on a train, in the dark, or in the rain. Asur b'achila with a goat, asur b'achila on a boat.

GEMARA: Grynegznham: Mai mashmah - what does this mean? Amar Rav Grinch: Notrikon - a compound word: "Green Eggs" and "Ham".

Mai "Green Eggs"?: Batzai sheretz ha'of yarok - the eggs of a green non-kosher bird. Rav Sneech amar: Zeh anafah yarok - this is the Green Heron. Rav Dolittle amar: Zeh tuki - this is the parrot.

Mai "Ham"? Basar davar acher - the flesh of a swine. V'lama nikra "ham" - and why is it called "ham"? Because Ham son of Noach was meeyus b'drachav - disgusting in his ways - so therefore the flesh of the most disgusting of all creatures is called after his name.

Here: This is Eretz Yisroel. There: This is Bavel [Babylonia]. P'shita - it is obvious that these forbidden foods may not be eaten in Bavel? Mahu d'tayma - what might you have thought - that non-kosher beasts and birds are only prohibited in the land of Israel, since other beasts and birds are used for karbanos [sacrifices] there, therefore once must avoid these types, but in Bavel they are permitted. Ka mashma lan - Rabbi Samayam therefore teaches us that they are prohibited even in Bavel.

Anywhere: Mai marbeh - what does this come to include? Midinas Hachadashah - the New World [America]. P'shita - it is obvious that these forbidden foods may not be eaten there? Amar Rav Mcgurkus: Mahu d'tayma - what might you have thought, that the prohibitions of the Torah do not apply in Midinas Hachadashah, shene'emar [Deut 30] "lo me'ayver la'yam hee", "[the Torah] is not found over the sea". Ka mashma lan - Rabbi Samayam therefore teaches us that they are nevertheless prohibited, shene'emar "b'chol artzechem" - as scripture states, "in all your dwellings", which includes even overseas.

In a house: P'shita - this is obvious? Mahu d'tayma - what might you have thought - that these foods are forbidden only b'farhesia, in public, but b'tzina, in private, they are permitted. Ka mashma lan - Rabbi Samayam therefore teaches us that they are prohibited in private as well.

With a mouse: P'shita - this is obvious? Mahu d'tayma - what might you have thought, d'amar kra "kol sheretz lo sochaylu" - that scripture states "do not eat any creeping thing", and this forbids eating a sheretz which is separate from oneself, but if one joins with a sheretz [such as a mouse], one may eat another sheretz. V'dilmah hachi nami - but perhaps this is indeed the case? Amar Rav Bim-n-ben: Im kayn echtov "sheretz lo sochaylu" - if so, the Torah could have written "do not eat a creeping thing". Mai "kol sheretz" - what is implied by stating "any creeping thing"? L'rabey ochel sheretz im sheretz - to include this case of eating one sheretz in the presence of another.

In a box: P'shita - this is obvious? Mahu d'tayma - what might you have thought - that since the swine is referred to as "behaima temaiya"- an "unclean" animal - makish tumah l'achila - that there is a connection between ritual impurity and eating. And thus, just as a box with an airspace of at least a tefach provides a chatitza [interposition] for tumah, it might be supposed that it negates the prohibition of consuming forbidden food as well. Ka mashma lan - Rabbi Samayam therefore teaches us that although a box is a chatzitzah for the ritual impurity of a forbidden food, this does not apply to its consumption.

With a fox: Mai "fox"? Amar Rav Knox: Min kelev arum - a type of sly dog. P'shita - it is obvious [that one cannot eat Grynegznham with a fox]? Mahu d'tayma - what might you have thought - that since the Torah states "la'kelev tashlichun oso", that non-kosher flesh be cast to the dogs, that one is then permitted to consume it after it was cast to a dog. Ka mashma lan, she'amar "lakelev" v'lo "im kelev" - for scripture states "to the dogs", but not "with the dogs".

In a car: P'shita - this is obvious? Mahu d'tayma - what might you have thought - that since the Torah states "artzechem" - in your lands - that one who is traveling from one land to another is permitted. Therefore, the Torah states "b'chol artzechem" - anywhere in your land, even while traveling. But "b'chol artzechem" was previously used to teach us that Grynegznham is forbidden overseas? Amar Rav Hoponpop: Im kain lomar kra "chol artzechem" - if so, scripture would have stated "all your lands". Mai b'chol artzechem - what is implied by stating "in all your lands"? Shma minah tartei - you can learn both items from this.

In a tree: P'shita - this is obvious? Mahu d'tayma - what might you have thought - that since the Torah states "artzechem" - in your lands- that one who is up in a tree is permitted. Therefore, the Torah states "b'chol artzechem" - anywhere in your land, even in a tree. But "b'chol artzechem" was previously used to teach us that it is forbidden in a car? Amar Rav Lorax, ksiv hacha "b'chol artzechem" - it states here "in all your lands" , v'ksiv hasam "es kol ha'etz" - and it states elsewhere [Gen 1] "all trees". Mah kan Grynegznham asur - just as here [on the land] Grynegznham is forbidden, af kan asur - so also there [in a tree] it is forbidden.

On a train: P'shita - this is obvious? Mai shana car, mai shana train - on what basis would one distinguish between a car [in which it was previously proven that Grynegznham is forbidden] and a train? Amar Rav Choochoo, mahu d'tayma, trei chatziztos havi v'shari - what might you have thought, that [one who rides a train has] a double separation from the land [the vehicle itself and the tracks], and it therefore is permitted. V'dilmah hachi nami - but perhaps this is indeed the case? Im kain lomar kra "es hachazir" - in that case scripture could have stated "the swine". Mai "v'es hachazir" - why was "and the swine" written? Ka mashma lan, asur b'chol makom - it is forbidden in all places [even doubly separated from the land].

In the dark: P'shita - this is obvious? Amar Rav Thing-one: Amar Kra: "Lo Yira'eh Chametz" - scripture states that leavened foods may not be seen [on Pesach]. V'din hoo - and behold, this would be a logical proof. Mah issur chametz sheissur hana'ah hu, taluy b'ri'iyah- if the prohibition of chametz, which is forbidden for all benefit, is connected with seeing - al achas kama v'chama issur Grynegznham, she'rak issur achila hu - then how much more so is the prohibition of Grynegznham, which is only forbidden for consumption, dependent on seeing [and thus should be permitted in the dark]! V'dilmah hachi nami - but perhaps this is indeed the case? Amar Rav Thing-two: Amar kra - scripture states - "look what we found in the park, in the dark" - makish [this connects] "park" to "dark". Mah kan asur, af kan asur - just as it is forbidden in the former [i.e., on land], so too in the latter.

In the rain: P'shita - this is obvious? Amar Rav Twofish, mahu d'tayma - what might you have thought - that since rain is a sign of bracha, that it is also a sign from the Almighty that one's eating of Grynegznham is likewise blessed. L'chain amar kra "lav bashamayim hee" - therefore scripture states "it [the Torah] is not in heaven" - i.e., heavenly signs are not to be utilized in deciding halachic issues. Rav Bluefish amar, havi amina - it might have been assumed - k'shaim shepatur misukkah ki'sheyarad geshamim, kach patur michol mitzvos - that just as one is exempt from the Sukkah when it rains, so too one is exempt from other commandments. Ka mashma lan - Rabbi Samayam therefore teaches us that this is not the case.

With a goat: P'shita - this is obvious? Mahu d'tayma - what might you have thought - that since the Torah specifies a "si'eer lichatas" - "a goat for a sin-offering" - that the sin of consuming Grynegznham is mitigated by eating it with a goat. Ka mashma lan - Rabbi Samayam therefore teaches us that this remains forbidden even in the presence of a si'eer - goat.

On a boat: P'shita - this is obvious? Mai shana car, mai shanah boat - on what basis would one distinguish between a car [in which it was previously proven that Grynegznham is forbidden] and a boat? Amar Rav Horton: Mahu d'tayma - what might you have thought - that since a boat travels on water, that it is not included under "b'chol artzechem" - in all your lands - and Grynegznham is permitted. V'dilmah hachi nami - but perhaps this is indeed the case? Amar Rav Whoville: Amar kra [Exod 20], "v'es ha'aretz, es hayam" - scripture states "the land and the sea". Makish - this connects - "aretz" to "yam"; just as Grynegznham is forbidden in the former, so too in the latter.

Ain't It A Shem? (Re-posted for Purim)

(For tonite, a Purim rerun of one of my favorite posts! More tomorrow am!)

"And Malchitzedek king of Salem brought forth bread and wine; and he was priest of God the Most High.
And he blessed him, and said: 'Blessed be Abram of God Most High, Maker of heaven and earth;
And blessed be God the Most High, who has delivered your enemies into your hand.' And he gave him a tenth of all." (Gen 14: 18-20)

Ever wonder if there was a bit more to this conversation? Let's listen in...

[Scene: "Kings Valley", aftermath of the battle:]

Malchitzedek: Greetings! I, Malchitzedek King of Salem, have arrived! Here, sit down, rest, have a bissel nosh! But first, machen a bracha! Ahem: "Blessed be Abram of God Most High, Maker of..."

Abram: Zaidee?? Zaidee Shem? Is that you?

M: Shem? There's no "Shem" here, young man! No, no, you must be mixing me up with someone else. As I said, I am King Malchi...

A: Come on now, it's you! You think I wouldn't recognize my own great great great great great great great grandfather? Zaidee, what on earth are you doing in that ridiculous getup?

M: "Getup", hmph! I'll have you know that these are my Royal Robes of Majesty. Or my Priestly Garments of Splendor, one or the other. I get them mixed up sometimes.

A: Well, they make you look like the Total Nutcase of Meshugginer! Imagine, carrying on like this, a man your age! You should be resting in bed with a glezeleh tea, you're getting too old for this kind of stuff!

M: Now listen, sonny! As a wise man once said (sort of), "When 465 years old you reach, look as good you will not, hmmm?" And you're not exactly a spring chicken yourself, "little Abey". You're 75 now, if I remember correctly? And here you are, fighting wars, chasing great big kings into salt mines, oy! Not that that old rascal Hammurabi didn't deserve it. Gosh, what a Nimrod!

A: Alright, alright. I am a little winded, I must admit. Running 600 miles will do that to you.

M: So nu, sit already, eat something! Have some nice challah and a glass Manischewitz! Don't worry, it's just from last Shabbos, it's still good and fresh. Not to complain mind you, but I always have plenty of food left over, seeing as how none of my grandchildren ever bother to visit me these days. You'd think, with like 1/3 of the Whole World descended from me, that just a few of you would have time to see their great-Zaidee once in a while! But Noooo! "Oh, sorry Zaidee, we've just been busy, building towers and whatnot." Young chutzpaniks! You know, when I was their age, I spent a whole year on a tiny little boat with my parents, taking care of Stinky Animals day and night. Did I ever tell you about the time the lion bit Zaidee Noach, and I ...

A: [interrupting] Yes, about two hundred times. OK look, I know I haven't gotten a chance to stop by in a while. I've been traveling; you know, the whole "length and width of the Land, East and West and North and South" bit. God's command, and all that. And anyway Zaidee, you shouldn't let yourself get so worked up. It's bad for your blood pressure. You know it's been much too high ever since you gave up the vegetarian diet after the flood.

M: [pouting] Hey, those fashluggineh animals OWED me something big! OK, OK, I'll calm down. So enough about me then. How's by you? And how's my darling great (etc.) granddaughter-in-law Jessie? When are you guys going to make me a great great great great great great great great grandfather already?

A: First of all, you know very well that my wife goes by her Hebrew name these days, "Sarai"!

M: Ooooh, look who's gone all fa-chnyuked on us! OK, so how is "Sarai"? Any good news?

A: To be honest, Zaidee, no. And believe me, we've been trying! Jess - uh, Sarai is pretty upset about it too.

M: Hmm. Well, here's an idea! You know, the latest trend is the whole surrogate mother kind of thing. Is there anyone you can ask to "help out"? Say, what about that cute new maid you guys brought home from Egypt?

A: You're kidding me! You mean Hagar??? She's horrible!

M: What are you, prejudiced or something? Just cause she's a "Hamite"? She happens to be my great-great... some-odd niece, you know!

A: Yeah, so is the whole entire world, big whoop. Anyway, you know perfectly well it has nothing to do with that. Why, some of my best friends are Emorites! Three of them, to be exact.

M: Yeah, but would you let your son marry their daughters? [under his breath] That is, if he ever has a son at this rate...

A: Look, Sarai would never let me take a second wife, especially not the cleaning lady, OK? You know she'd just get all "uppity", and then all gehinom would break loose. So just let it go, willya?

M: If you insist. But you and Jess aren't getting any younger, you know. Maybe you guys shouldn't be so fussy?

A: [eager to change the subject] So anyway, still in the holy city, huh? How is everything in good old 'Salem?

M: Actually, much better these days since we got rid of those pesky witches.

A: Huh? Got rid of who now?

M: Never mind, bad joke. Things are fine. And speaking of which, I'm sure you heard about the wonderful project that Zaidee Eber and I have been working on!

A: You mean the Yeshiva? As a matter of fact, I did hear something about it from Zaidee Peleg a while back, right before he "split".

M: Now who's making with the bad jokes!

A: Seriously though, is it working out? How's the enrollment?

M: Ummm.. actually, not quite as good as we hoped.

A: What do you mean? How many talmidim do you have exactly?

M: Well, to be precise... zero. But we think things will be looking up someday soon. Thanks to your work, actually! Good stuff, that kiruv.

A: Thanks! We try. Got to get those mitzvahs in wherever we can, you know.

M: Exactly my point! Which reminds me... have you decided what to do with your maaser money this year? Because I have a very good cause for you to support!

A: You must be kidding. You're shnorring from me - you're own great-great etc. grandson??

M: Who else can I shnorr from, if not family? There aren't exactly a lot of people around who aren't related to me, you know!

A: OK, good point. But didn't you just get through telling me you have no students!!
M: Oh, come now! Didn't you ever hear of "build it, and they will come!"? And do you have any idea what kind of expenses we have?? Tents, camels, wells, parchment, books...

A: "Books"? What kind of "books"? SEVEN LAWS, Zaidee! Seven Laws! You don't need books, you need pamphlets!

M: Can the sarcasm. Look, you going to pony up, or not?

A: [giving in] Well... I guess there are worse ways to spend my shekels. Would you believe after all that happened, Dad is still trying to get me to invest in the family business? Imagine me, supporting "Mesopotamian Idol"! So OK, your yeshiva can have my donation. But I do have one condition.

M: What? I told you, the bais midrash is already named for Zaidee Adam and Bubbee Chavah, so that's taken.

A: Not that. Here's the deal: My grandchildren (some day, God willing!) get free tuition.

M: What, all of them??? Listen, you want to bankrupt us? I know all about that "stars of heaven, dust of earth" bit. Nothing doing! I'll give it for one grandson, that's it!

A: Alright, I guess that's fair. But he gets to stay as long as he wants.

M: Sure! I'll give him a full five years, free!

A: Five years! What do you think we are, Modern Orthodox? What kind of kollel yungermentch learns for a mere five years? He gets twenty years, at least!

M: Twenty! Nothing doing. Ten years, that's it!

A: You want the donation, or not? Eighteen!

M: Twelve! That's as high as I can go!

A: Look, let's not get carried away. Can we compromise on 15 years?

M: 14, and you've got a deal.

A: Done and done.

M: Pleasure doing business with you, Abey! You can make the check out to "Yeshivas Shem V'Eber Scholarship Fund, LLC"

A: [writing] Here you go. And it really was good to see you again, Zaidee. Give my regards to uncles Hammy and Jappy.

M: Will do, Abey. And listen, do think about my Hagar idea. [lowers voice] You want that Syrian oaf Elie over there with the great big sword to inherit the estate some day?

A: [quietly] I hear ya, believe me. Alright, I'll mention it to Sarai, but don't get your hopes up. You know how women are. Take care, Zaidee.

M: You too, Abey. God Most High bless.

A: Amen!

Musical Monday #38

Welcome to the 38th edition of Musical Monday, the weekly quiz that Soccer Dad and I alternate hosting. As always, the challenge is to identify the title and artist for each song quote, as well as the common theme of the set of songs. This week, the theme will likely be evident even if just a couple of the songs are ID'ed, so for extra credit, see if you can give a couple of reasons for the timeliness of this particular theme.

1) "I'll just sit tight through shadows of the night"
2) "A guy she said she knew well and sometimes hated"
3) "I know you think I'm like the others before"
4) "If you want some good kissing, yeah, call on me"
5) "I got my shoes shined up, I got my hair slicked down"
6) "I visualize that you're looking fine"
7) "For your lover's lover's alibi"
8) "No harvest moon to light one tender August night"
9) "The ice age is coming, the sun is zooming in"
10) "I just can't believe that I could be so badly mistaken"
11) "And since I lost you it feels like years"
12) "Imagine how the world could be, so very fine"
13) "Why does it only seem to hit me in the middle of the night?"
14) "With hurry home drops on her cheek that trickled from her eye"
15) "Monday, Tuesday, three days and more"
16) "You and I are through - you found someone new"
17) "I heard your mother now she's going out the door"
18) "I drank a little too much red and we got into a fight"
19) "Send it off in a letter to yourself"
20) "You're not anywhere that I can find you"
21) "Welcome to Slaggers, featuring Denis O'Bell"
22) "How's your cousin Shirley?"

Good luck and enjoy!

TV Trivia Thursday #13

Hello and welcome to today's TV Trivia Thursday. I'll try to keep these coming at least every other week, and continue to welcome your suggested entries for future editions.

1) TTT #6 asked about the infamous "Bridgette Loves Bernie", the first TV show to prominently feature an mixed (Jewish/Gentile) marriage. Name the first cartoon series to do the same.

2) And on a related note, what prime time series starred a non-Jewish actor playing a Jewish character who was married to a non-Jewish character played by a Jewish actor?

3) Though this actor's name is practically synonymous with comedy, on television and other media, his only Emmy awards were for best lead actor in a dramatic series, which he won three times for an arguably groundbreaking role. Name the actor and show.

4) Several years before achieving widespread fame for his musical scores to movie blockbusters like Jaws, Star Wars, and Indiana Jones, John Williams composed the themes to two science-fiction TV series. Name the shows. Nope, not Star Trek!

5) And speaking of Star Wars, what sitcom did Mark Hamill leave, after starring in just the pilot episode, to take on his iconic Luke Skywalker role?

6) She's an A-list movie actress who's starred in numerous cinematic hits since the 1970s. But her father, though not an actor, had arguably an even greater impact on entertainment history, as the creator of two of the longest running shows on US television, both of which started in the early 1950s and are still going strong today. Name the actress and the two shows, and for extra credit, her unsung but TV history-shaping father.

7) And on a related note, what are the current top two longest-running television shows, and the only ones dating back to the 1940s that are still on-air?

8) And finally, a tried and true category: identifying well-know actors based on their real/birth names. In keeping with format, all of the following had prominent and long-running television roles, though they may have made their marks elsewhere as well:
a) Arthur Leonard Rosenberg
b) Michael John Douglas
c) Jonathan Leibowitz
d) Jameel Joseph Farah
e) Mendel Berlinger
f) Terry Gene Bollea
g) Suzanne Marie Mahoney
h) Nathan Birnbaum
i) Karolis Bučinskis
j) Benjamin Kubelsky

Musical Monday #36

Welcome to the 36th edition of Musical Monday, the weekly quiz that Soccer Dad and I alternate hosting. Or to be exact, this week's MM is one of our periodic collaborations, so credit due to SD for co-creation of the following.

As always, identify songs' artists and titles, as well as the common theme, topic, or characteristic that applies to the entire set of songs.

1) "Golden living dreams of visions"
2) "Time doesn't wait for me, it keeps on rollin'"
3) "You're a bluebird on a telegraph line"
4) "Now I'm fallin' from her skies"
5) "At night he becomes a bartender"
6) "But your hand's wet with sweat, and your head needs a rest"
7) "Oh, don't ask why!"
8) "It’s driving me mad, it’s driving me mad"
9) "With the butler and the maid and the servants three"
10)"I pound on the windows like a bee inside a jar"
11)"The boats were waiting at the Battery"
12)"Feeding pigeons on a limb"
13)"You give back your ring to me, and I will set you free"
14)"It's something in my eyes, you know it happens every time"
15)"Tell her to make me a cambric shirt"
16)"Some say he farmed his best in younger years"
17)"Shadows on the hills sketch the trees and the daffodils"
18)"From the early, early mornin' 'til the early, early nights"
19)"I had another look and I had a cup of tea and butter pie"
20)"I know between the two of us, her heart we can steal" (Note: Looking for a specific version of this song)
21)"Them boys in their high heels"
22)"Cook county sheriff Richard Ogleby asked King to call off the march"
23)"Would you offer your throat to the wolf with the red roses?"
24)"Am I in my cabin dreaming, or are you really scheming?"

Good luck and enjoy!

TV Trivia Thursday #12

Hello and welcome to this week's TV Trivia Thursday! This has become a bi-weekly feature lately, and it will likely continue at that pace for the foreseeable future. That said, I had started putting this one together last week, when the 2007 Grammys were held, so like TTT #9, it follows a musical theme.

1) Besides their own cartoon series, name three TV shows that used Beatles songs as their opening theme, though performed by other artists in each case.

2) Name a series whose opening theme song was an earlier hit by an artist whose last name happens to be part of the show's title. Again though, the TV theme version was actually sung by someone else.

3) Name four TV theme songs which were #1 hits on the Billboard pop charts, as well as one other which made #1 on the country charts. Note: Those remakes above don't count, I'm looking for songs whose versions used on the actual TV series were #1.

4) What 60s musical act, who had broken up years earlier, was reunited on a 1st season episode of Saturday Night Live, much to the surprise and delight of the audience and fans everywhere?

5) And what other group came surprisingly close to doing the same (at least partially) which would have been an all time television event, and likely sparked a riot in the studio (city, country, world...)?

6) Finally, what 1981 SNL musical guest did actually cause an audience riot, followed by a sudden cut to commercial mid-song by the show's panicked producers?

7) And to end off as we started, with the Beatles: What impressionist/comedian, best known for his later portrayal of a TV super-villain, had the bad luck to share star billing with the Beatles on their first Ed Sullivan appearance? As he later recalled, he took that ultimate upstaging well, good-naturedly quipping "I looked out the window of my dressing room and said, 'Look at all the kids that came to see me!'"

Synchronized Treading

Exercise is one of the few health-related topics these days that seems to be pretty much non-controversial. No two "experts" will agree on what types of foods are good/bad for you - though I'm still waiting for the Wise Barbecue Potato Chip diet to come into its own. But all the numerous, contradictory diet proposals do seem to agree that a reasonable amount of physical activity is beneficial.

Well, far be it from me to disagree with the conventional wisdom. My challenge when it comes to getting enough exercise is not with the theory, but in the execution. My job is an utterly sedentary one. And when it comes to planned workouts, I have pretty much the same obstacle to overcome as in getting myself to blog more often; namely, making it feel like "play" instead of "work". I have enough "work" in my life, thank you very much... and precious little fun.

Well, I've had a bit more success lately on the exercise front (may the blogging front soon follow suit!). I purchased a treadmill last spring, a birthday gift for my wife Debbie, who is one of those lucky souls who actually enjoys taking long, strenuous "power walks" - she does one for an hour every morning, God bless her. But the best laid presents of mice and husbands often go awry. Debbie prefers to do her walking in the great outdoors, so she's tended to use her treadmill sparsely, if at all.

Me, I'm a fan of the great indoors. Too much nature out there. Give me a dimly lit basement, a fast computer, and a blasting Mp3 or CD player, and I'm happy. With our treadmill, I've got two out of three of those going for me. But they weren't enough to get me off the computer chair. For that, I needed two other factors: fear and numbers. Which I know, for many of you poor non-math geeks, are pretty much one and the same.

The fear factor (hmm, sounds familiar, that): There's a vicious rumor around my household that I have a tendency to - to put it bluntly - snore. Of course, since I've never once heard this with my own ears, there's no real proof - it's simply my word against that of my wife and children. Alright, and the neighbors within a five block radius. Well anyway, after some alleged "tests", my good sawbones started making horrific and appalling recommendations, involving some kind of barbaric device that would make Torquemada drool with envy. As an alternate, he remarked, "it might also get better if you lose a few pounds". Hmph, the nerve of the man. But still - between diet and torture, I guess there's a lesser of two evils.

But the true lure of the treadmill for me, that part that tips the scales, at least somewhat, from "work" to "fun", are the displays. Even since childhood, I have always loved watching numbers change, on the car odometer, or anywhere else that something was being tallied. On our treadmill, there's a display for distance, calibrated to the 1000th of a mile, a display of time, in minutes and seconds, and one of calories burned. Triple treat!

But wait, there's more! I've settled into a regular "treading" speed of exactly 3.6 MPH. Not only is that a nice, comfortable brisk walking pace, but at that rate, the number changes are especially cool, for obvious reasons! After all, a mile ticks by in a nice, round 16:40, know what I mean? Need I say more?

Well, I suppose for all the aforementioned math-fearing people, who are scratching their heads in puzzlement at that last bit, I guess I do need to say more. So let's do the math: 16 minutes and 40 seconds equals 16 * 60 + 40, or exactly 1000 seconds. A mile in 1000 seconds. At that pace, the distance and time displays tick away at the exact same rate. The last digits of each tally stay in step, and every five minutes, the last two digits match for a minute as well. It's a thing of beauty.

But there's one flaw breaking up this perfect symmetry - the calorie display. It seems that the machine calculates the rate of calories burned as a factor of weight - which you enter on a keypad before starting. At my current poundage, the calorie counter increments at just a slightly faster pace than the distance display, burning about 104 some-odd calories per mile. Thus, as my weight factor lessens, the calorie display will climb that much slower, and at some point, it will tick off exactly 100 calories per mile, thus moving in perfect synchronization to the other two counters.

Now there's incentive!!

Musical Monday #34

Welcome to the 34th edition of Musical Monday, the weekly quiz that Soccer Dad and I alternate hosting. Happy President's Day to my US readers, and though today's MM is not quite presidential timber (but then, who is these days? :-) ), it is a bit out of the ordinary. So please read the following before you start guessing.

As always, the goal is to identify the title and artist of each song, as well as the common theme of the overall quiz, but today there's an extra puzzle as well - pairing off the songs. Although there is only a single theme this week, there are three separately-numbered groups of song quotes. The first group of five, numbered I-V, stand alone. The next twenty, numbered 1-20, can be matched up with the last twenty, numbered A-T, though not in order of course. But if you figure out why the first five songs are special, that should help you with the theme and with how to match up the other two sets.

One more important rule/clue: You can ignore plurals as well as definite articles in finding the pairs.

Confused? Well then just start with ID'ing lyrics as usual, and hopefully all will fall into place!

I) "Behind a gun I'll make my final stand"
II) "I woke up in a Soho doorway, a policeman knew my name"
III) "I wish I could be as carefree and wild"
IV) "Caviar and cigarettes, well versed in etiquette"
V) "I eat more chicken than any man ever seen"

1) "There ain't no gold and there ain't nobody like me"
2) "Who carried on his shoulder a Siamese cat"
3) "Politicians sit yourself down, there's nothing for you here"
4) "I only smile when I lie, then I tell them why"
5) "No one you can save that can't be saved"
6) "It keeps me stable for days"
7) "Michigan seems like a dream to me now"
8) "You'd think that her head would be split"
9) "House the people livin' in the street"
10) "Well it's a long, long time since my baby's been gone"
11) "No one had the guts to leave the temple"
12) "Mucho mistrust, love's gone behind"
13) "Across the streams of hopes and dreams"
14) "I'm going to be a happy idiot"
15) "We have an old fashioned tomato"
16) "I'll ask polite if the devil needs a ride"
17) "Well, the undertaker drew a heavy sigh"
18) "We could exist on the stars; it'd be so easy"
19) "Look at Mother Nature on the run in the 1970s"
20) "I really want to see you, really want to be with you"

A) "Got in the house like a pigeon from hell"
B) "No, his mind is not for rent to any god or government"
C) "You know that I could be in love with almost everyone"
D) "I've been one poor correspondent"
E) "My mother was a tailor, she sewed my new blue jeans"
F) "And knowing that you would have wanted it this way"
G) "Mountains come out of the sky and they stand there"
H) "I try to keep my surface hid, smiling in the public eye"
I) "Sent a letter on a long summer day"
J) "We're just a drop of water in an endless sea"
K) "You drive us wild, we'll drive you crazy"
L) "That's okay, boy, won't you feed him when you can?"
M) "It's not the ribbons in your hair"
N) "They gathered for the feast"
O) "'Come on home girl', he said with a smile"
P) "Now don't you wait, or hesitate"
Q) "You think you got a pretty face, but the rest of you is out of place"
R) "And dream of a girl I used to know"
S) "I'll stay with you 'till my seas are dried up"
T) "Would it be enough for your teenage lust?"

Good luck and enjoy!

TV Trivia Thursday #11

Can't miss TTT two weeks in a row, so busy or not, here are a few new TV Trivia questions to brighten your Thursday:

1) What long-running show lost much of its early history when the master tapes for several seasons' worth of episodes were erased by a careless technician?

2) Which two hugely popular prime time shows, airing several decades apart, both had their origins in a series of shorts on a variety show before being spun off as a series?

3) We all know Mel Brooks from the dozens of hilarious movies that he produced, directed, and/or starred in. But he made at least a minor mark in the television world as well. Name two TV series and one classic animated special that Mel created and/or wrote.

4) Besides Seinfeld, what earlier sitcom also started and ended each episode with the title character telling a joke?

5) True or Urban Legend: Musician Frank Zappa's father played Captain Kangaroo supporting character "Mr. Greenjeans"?

6) What show came in dead last in the ratings its first season, but was kept alive by a network executive who perceived its quality and hit potential? The series went on to success that exceeded his wildest expectations.

7) Finally, here's another "24" question from my friend Soccer Dad: Season 6 of 24 features Jack Bauer's father and brother. The actors who play Phillip and Graham Bauer appeared in two other series together. In the first series - a long running one - one actor was a regular the other a guest star who appeared over a number of episodes. The other series was short-lived with one actor playing the title character and the other his chief of staff.

Also, I need to correct one of the solutions for TTT #10. Question #6 was:

Television producers - and their advertisers - usually love it when a show gets lots of fan mail. But name a case in which the network aired a special announcement after an episode of a classic 60s series, begging its fervent fans to stop sending letters in!

To which I accidently cut-and-pasted a response from a previous week's question! The correct answer is: Star Trek. When the network planned to cancel the show after its 2nd season, fans organized a letter-writing campaign which resulted in an estimated one million letters being sent to NBC pleading for the show's renewal - an amazing feat in those pre-internet days! Finally, a special announcement was aired after one episode confirming that the show had been renewed, and asking fans to please stop sending in letters! Of course, Trekkies being the nice bunch of folks that they (we!) are, they turned right around and flooded NBC with thank you notes!