Elie's Expositions

A bereaved father blogging for catharsis... and for distraction. Accordingly, you'll see a diverse set of topics and posts here, from the affecting to the analytical to the absurd. Something for everyone, but all, at the core, meeting a personal need.

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Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Dinner With Invisible T-Rex

I mentioned yesterday that Debbie, the kids, and I had dinner with some other families on Sunday night. In fact, the gathering was not with local friends, but with folks from a different NJ community, at the home of one of Debbie's co-workers. Why this was significant: nobody there, except for (possibly) the hostess, knew about what I referred to, in my inaugural blog post, as "the T-Rex in the room" - the fact that we've lost a child. It was actually our first significant social interaction, since Aaron's passing, where this was the case.

My feelings that evening are difficult to describe. On the one hand, it was a relief to be able to make light conversation about school, work, restaurants, Lebanese pigeons, etc., just like "normal" people. At the same time, it felt awkward and somewhat surreal for our T-Rex to be incognito; almost like we were slighting Aaron's memory. I found myself both hoping and dreading that somehow the conversation would provide an opening for us to share our secret.

I know others who have suffered this unendurable loss have similar stories to tell. It sounds like it never gets any easier.


At 11/29/05, 9:32 PM, Blogger Alan aka Avrum ben Avrum said...

Dear Elie,

How well I remember that exchange!

I marvel at the uncanny abilty of the balance beam gymnast who can walk that fine line-no less do turns, flips and somersaults. I gather it is fundamentally a question of balance and symmetry. So it is with bereaved parents who are often trying just to "keep their balance" lest they fall off, and you can be fairly certain that there is no padded cushion to soften the impact of their fall. On the other hand, we can't not live our lives notwithstanding the unhealable wound that persistently and very painfully afflicts us! It is quite simply a profound fact-no matter the intoxicating joy of our simchas: a wedding, a bris, a birthday, Simchas Torah-whatever "z'man simchasenu' it just may happen to be, our joy is diminished by the absence of Aaron, Ben, Ariel,Timmi, Nechama ... I am,

Very Sincerely yours,

Alan D. Busch

At 11/30/05, 4:12 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

We lost an infant 8 years ago and I still can't seem to get through a few meetings with someone new without mentioning it . . . Having no one see the T-Rex but me really freaks me out. Some inner compulsion makes it seem like the most critical thing that I simply have to share with people.


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