Elie's Expositions

A bereaved father blogging for catharsis... and for distraction. Accordingly, you'll see a diverse set of topics and posts here, from the affecting to the analytical to the absurd. Something for everyone, but all, at the core, meeting a personal need.


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Thursday, July 28, 2005

Drug of Choice

[Aaron's Story - Preface]

My wife Debbie, using the vernacular of her social work profession, described going back to work earlier this month - after a seven week break following Aaron's passing - as her "drug of choice". That is, overshadowing any career
aspirations or financial necessity that may also come into play, she principally views working right now as a way of coping with the overwhelming, paralyzing emotions over our son's loss. Focusing on work outside the home is a distraction that, much like aspirin, can help blot out the pain but does not cure.

I am beginning to realize that for me, blogging is becoming a "drug of choice". I have chosen so far to blog mainly about a variety of extraneous topics, despite what I described in my first post as "the T-Rex in the room". Do I genuinely find these topics to be of interest, and do I enjoy sharing these ideas and opinions with my hardy readership? Certainly. But are these posts also (or even mainly) a distraction from the dark thoughts that are always at the back of my mind, and often threaten to take over the rest of it as well?

Yes.

So I have determined to start what I have been both dreading, and longing to do. I will be writing about our loss of Aaron - beginning with the weeks before his death, and ending with the funeral and shiva. In objective time duration, the story was incredibly brief, but emotionally and subjectively, it is deep beyond measure.

You can view this post as a preface to Aaron's story. I will be continuing this topic soon - maybe in my next post, maybe a few days later. But in essence, I am ready to begin supplementing the pain-killer with something a lot stronger. My new drug may well have painful side-effects, but eventually, I hope it will also promote healing.

Thanks for listening.

Link to Aaron's Story: Intro

8 Comments:

At 7/28/05, 5:20 PM, Blogger Glen Holman said...

What is your email address?

 
At 7/29/05, 8:45 AM, Blogger torontopearl said...

Elie...take a deep breath, write what you can, when you can. We're here, patient through any silences, or ready to support you when you do need it.
Wishing you and your family a good Shabbos.

 
At 7/31/05, 9:37 PM, Blogger Jack's Shack said...

Hi there,

Jack of Jack's Shack. Stumbled onto your blog through one of the other Jewish bloggers, not really sure who.

Lost a very close friend to a brain tumor. On August 25 it will be 7 years since he died. Yesterday would have been his 36th birthday.

I don't have the words to say what needs to be said other than I am very sorry for your loss and I wish you and your family comfort.

On a side note it is nice to find another music lover in cyberspace. I enjoyed your piece on Sweet Home Alabama.

 
At 8/3/05, 11:52 AM, Blogger Elisheva said...

May your "new drug" speedily promote healing. Keep writing.

 
At 8/3/05, 4:52 PM, Blogger swiftthinker said...

I came across your blog through mirty, I believe. I'm terribly sorry about your loss. My parents are both very sick right now and I know I can't compare the pain. I stand a very strong chance of losing both of them and the thoughts sometimes overtake all others. I try and also come up with other things to blog about as ways to distract me. Maybe I should go your route and try blogging about them specifically head on. Thank you for the unintentional advice. I hope it works towards your healing and I wish you all the best. I will keep reading.

 
At 8/3/05, 9:03 PM, Blogger Elie said...

Swiftthinker: Thanks for your kind thoughts. One person's pain cannot be weighed against another's. I lost my dad a year and a half ago, and at the time it felt as painful as I could bear.

I started my blog more as a distraction/outlet than to talk directly about the loss of Aaron. I am starting to do the latter a bit more, but still need the former as well. These approached are not mutually exclusive - they are complementary

 
At 11/9/05, 12:21 AM, Anonymous REB LAZER said...

ELLIE, I HAVE BEEN READING YOUR BLOG AND IT HAS TAKEN ME TILL NOW TO COME TO TERMS WITH SOME OF MY EMOTIONAL PAIN THAT HAS BLOCKED MY ABLITY TO SHARE SOME THOUGHTS WITH YOU. I WANTED YOU TO KNOW THAT I HAVE BEEN VERY MOVED BY YOUR WRITING. I FEEL VERY CLOSE TO YOU THOUGH WE OFTEN DON'T SEE EYE TO EYE ON MANY ISSUES (HASHKAFA), AS WELL AS THE DIFFERENCES IN THE WAY WE DO/SEE THINGS. AARON AND THE FAMILY HAVE BEEN ON MY MIND EVERY DAY (AND OFTEN NIGHT, AS I HAVEN'T BEEN SLEEPING VERY WELL). I GUESS WHAT IS MOST DIFFICULT FOR ME AT THIS TIME IS KNOWING WHAT TO DO FOR THE FAMILY AND HOW TO BE THEIR FOR YOU GUYS,INCLUDING YOU, AS I KNOW THERE IS NOT MUCH I CAN DO TO CONSOLE THE PAIN AND FILL THE VOID. I OFTEN FEEL THAT MY GIVING AND TRYING TO BE THEIR FOR YOU IS PERCEIVED AS MORE OF AN INTRUSION ON YOUR PRIVACY AND NEED TO BE LEFT ALONE THEN ANYTHING ELSE. I THEREFORE FEEL COMPELLED TO BACK AWAY, AND EMOTIONALLY SHUT DOWN. WHAT OFTEN RESULTS IS IS THAT MY LOVE AND ENTHUSIASM MAY COME ACROSS IN AWAY THAT I DONT MEAN IT TO, PERHAPS OUT OF MY OWN FRUSTRATION IT COMES ACROSS AS JUDGEMENTAL AND CRIDICAL. THIS IS NOT THE INTENT.
I WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW THAT I THINK YOU ARE VERY BRAVE, STRONG, AND HAVE GREAT FAITH. I CAN REALLY RELATE TO YOUR COMMENTS ABOUT DRUGS OF CHOICE WHICH I THINK ARE VERY HEALTHY AT THIS TIME. FOR YOU BLOGGING, DEBBIE, SOCIAL WORK AND CAREER. PERHAPS FOR BEN IT HAS BEEN INTERNET DVREI TORAH. FOR ME AS YOU PROBABLY HAVE FIGURED OUT BY NOW, CHASSIDUS: IT HAS PROVIDED ME WITH GREATER UNDERSTANDING AND INSIGHT INTO COPING WITH LIFE'S PERCEIVED TRADEGIES, MYSTERIES, AND HAS GIVEN ME AN OUTLET FOR SELF EXPRESSION AND SELF ACCEPTANCE, PARTICULARLY WITH REGARDS TO MY ROLE AS A JEW AND IN MY AVODAS HASHEM, SOMETHING THAT HAS BEEN A STRUGGLE FOR ME FOR MANY YEARS.
THE OTHER DAY, WHILE DRIVING DOWN WOODBRIDGE IN BACK OF A SCHOOL BUS, I SAW A LITTE BOY, SITTING IN THE BUS'S BACK SEAT, REMINDED ME OF AARON AT AGE 8. THISS BROUGHT BLACK FLASHBACKS AND MANY HEARTFELT MEMORIES OF THE TIMES WE SPENT IN BRADLEY DURING YOUR EARLY YEARS OF MARRIAGE, BACK THEN WE USED TO TALK MORE. THOUGH WE MAY HAVE DRIFTED APART MORE IN RECENT YEARS,(SOMETIMES THE WEATHERING OF LIFE DOES THIS) I HOPE YOU FEEL THAT YOU CAN STILL COUNT ON ME.

KEEP WRITING, LAINING, AND GIVING TO THE COMMUNITY AS YOU DO. YOU ARE VERY MUCH APART OF OUR LIVES, VERY MUCH APPRECIATED FOR ALL THAT YOU DO.

 
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