Aaron's Birthday 2009: 22 And Not Counting

Aaron's birthday was today, the 22nd of January. He would have turned 22 this year.

If Aaron were still with us, his birthday still an occasion for joy and celebration, that small numeric coincidence would be noteworthy, perhaps an excuse for a extra bit of festivity. But with each passing year since his loss, it becomes more and more difficult to even remember when our family used to associate 1/22 with parties, fun, and congratulations. Now it's become an annual milestone to be dreaded and endured, accompanied by emotions at best bittersweet, at worst, depressing and painful beyond words.

Today is the fourth January 22nd to pass since Aaron's loss, and thus the fourth time I have posted to this blog to mark that date. In looking back, I note a progression, a change in my approach to this occasion, quite sad in its own right. The first year, Aaron's loss still so recent and raw, I determined to combat my misery and broken spirit by focusing on positive memories we had of his life, producing a long, detailed, and truly heartening recounting of joyful reminisces. On a smaller, less ambitious scale, I added to this list in 2007. And then last year, though I couldn't bring myself to uncover any further such recollections, to think any more happy thoughts, I was at least somewhat eloquent in my very inability to do so.

But today, I find myself overwhelmed with the numbness of spirit and dullness of inspiration that I had only professed in last year's birthday post. Perhaps this is simply in keeping with overall moribund state of this blog (alternate Mondays excepted). Or perhaps I have already written all there is to say - or all I am willing to say - about this subject, and can think of no fresh words, no innovative ways in which to rephrase and reiterate the feelings of bereavement and sorrow that never leave me for a single moment.

Whatever the reason, this is where I am today, in all its raw reality: aching, sad and lonely, tearful and angry, and wishing to Heaven we could just skip over January 22nd and be done with it.

As the Bard said, the rest is silence. Thanks for being here with me to read the words I can write, and between the lines of what I can't. You guys help me get through, as much as anything can. May God bless you and yours.