Purim Pronunciation Preposterousness

"Well, he went down to Purim seudah in his Yomtif best
Excitable bocher, they all said
And he rubbed the hamentaschen all over his chest
Excitable bocher, they all said
Well, he's just an excitable bocher

He took little Sureh on a shidduch date for tachlis
Excitable bocher, they all said
And he was mamish not shoimer, he showed her his gotkes!
Excitable bocher, they all said
Well, he's just an excitable bocher."
- Warren Zevon, more or less

Last year in honor of Purim I came up with a brilliant idea for unifying Hebrew transliteration on J-Blogs. Well, you all completely ignored my ingenious breakthrough and kept on writing Hebrew words every which way: ashkenaz, sephard, ashke-sephard, StegHHese, klingon, etc.

Just to show you what could have been avoided by adopting my wise scheme, here's a few questions I've received over the past year, all coming from a Mr. Rafram Bar Pappah Feder of Fort Lee, New Jersey:

Waitin for the Chatan

Dear Elie: Since you're supposed to be some kind of YU rabbi or whatever, maybe you can 'splain something to me. I went to a modernishe chasseneh last week and before the chippeh, they gave out cards so that all their modernishe relatives would know what was going to be happening. The cards talked about the Kallah and then someone called the 'Chatan'. Well, of course by the chippeh I saw the kalleh, and I saw the chussin, but there wasn't any 'Chatan' that I could find. Was the 'Chatan' supposed to be the guy she was "chaitin" with? Lots of chutzpeh to bring him into it I would say, but I guess that's how they do it in the modernishe velt.

What's Smadar You?

OK, "Rabbi", here's another one. What's with the modernishe goils names they give these days, like 'SMA-ddar'? What ever happened to good old-time Jewish names like Marduk and Ishtar - uhh, I mean Mordcha and Esterel. If I ever find my bashert, I'm giving our first kid a real old-fashioned Jewish name, which I already picked out. Here goes: Koyruch! It's a good shem koidesh right out of the chimish; in fact there's a whole parshe with that name! Not like that 'Smadder' shtuss, which you claim is found in hailigeh shir hashirim. As if such a heilig book would use modernishe names! Personally I think 'Smaddar' really comes from that goyishe song "What 'Smatter You"! (Good question, by the way...)

My Masorati Does 185

Here's something else that's bothering me. As if all the so-called "Jewish" sects like Reformed, Conservadox, YU, 5-Towns, etc. aren't bad enough, I've been reading about this new movement in Israel, the 'Masorati'. Can you believe it? A group that bases their entire religion on a fancy Italian sports car! What's next - the "Jews for Jacuzzis" movement? The I-Pod Israelites? The Yuppie Yidden? Why can't we just all stick with the old-time, authentic Jewish values like schnapps, Indian shaitels, and collecting WIC and food stamps?

Two Breads Are Better Than One

Guess what? I came up with a vort all by myself! Remember when I was asking you why we have to have two challehs on Shabbos? Well, forget all your confusing narishkeit about mun and dew and all that. I found the real answer right smack dab in Lecha Dodi! It says befayrush, "boiy challah, boiy challah"! Two times "come challah" = two challehs!! How about that - simple, huh?

I've Been Tearching Toe Long

So last moitzee shobbis I had yet another disasterous shidduch date. I tried so hard, but as usual, she didn't want to go out again. Here's what happened: I heard that the maidel was a little modernishe, so to impress her I made a big effort and used only sefardi lushen koidesh. Here's an example of our conversation:

Me: So, it's good to meet you. How was your Shobbit?

Her: My what?

Me: Yes, I know you're surprised, but I'm speaking sefardi 'specially in your honor! Oh, I guess I should I be calling it "tefardi", right? So anyway, did you have a nice Shobbit? Mine was great. I had Shola Shoodit by the rebbe.

Her: Huh? Shola Shoodit??

Me: Don't worry, I'm still hungry for melaveh malka. Anyway, now that Shobbit is over I'm busy thinking about my plans for the next few weeks. Believe it or not, I'm already planning for Paytach. Where will you be?

Her: Where will I be for what??

Me: For Paytach! I'll be by my parents for the Tedarim, and by my friend Timcheh and his wife Turehleh for the last days. Paytach is a lot of work, isn't it? All that cleaning and everything, but it's still my favorite yumtiff. My next best is Tookit. Last year I built my own tookah for the first time! So, do you like Tookit or Paytach better?

Her: Uhh... I think I'm getting a headache. Could I go home?

Me: Already??? But I didn't even get to give my dvar torah on the tedra yet! What kind of tidduch date is this? What will I tell the tadchan?

Her: AAUUGGGH!!

See what I mean????

A freilichin Purim!!