The Devil's Shidduch-nary

Some of my favorite quotations (besides rock lyrics, that is) are from The Devil's Dictionary, a classic satire by the acerbic and brilliant Ambrose Bierce. Though published almost a century ago, and composed of submissions dating back two decades before that, many of the "definitions" ring as true today as they did in Bierce's time. A few of my favorite examples:

ABSTAINER: A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.

CONGRATULATION: The civility of envy.

CONSERVATIVE: A stateman who is enamored of present evils; as distinguished from the liberal, who wishes to replace them with others.

LEARNING: The kind of ignorance distinguishing the studious.

Well now, courtesy of Emes Ve-Emunah - and I get the sense that someone related to Ezzie may be connected to its origins :-) - I found this wonderful Guide To Shidduch Dating In Jerusalem. Like The Devil's Dictionary, parts of it are now somewhat dated (pun intended!), but on the whole it's timeless, especially the definitions sections, which I here reproduce in full:

GLOSSARY OF THE SHADCHANIC LANGUAGE

Wonderful Middos: Looks like s/he has been in a head-on with a freight train.

Nice Looking: Ugly

Attractive: Does not require a bag over his/her head to be seen with in public.

Well groomed: Has showered within the last week

Best boy in the yeshiva: Managed to get in, barely, with assistance of his uncle, the Rosh.

From a good family: Parents are on speaking terms and no immediate relatives in jail.

Very intelligent: Very boring

Plans to go into chinuch: Hasn't figured out what to do with himself yet.

Tall (man): 5 7 " to 7'1

Short (man): 4'1 " to 5'

Tall (woman): Amazon

Short (woman): Sub-midget

A bit shy: Under psychiatric care for neurosis

Quiet: Had a frontal lobotomy

As they say in yinglish, givaldig! Follow the link above and read the rest of it - or better yet, print it out for Shabbos enjoyment!