And Who An Untimely End

As I fully expected, Rosh Hashanah was very difficult for me this year. On top of the fact that any holiday or special occasion accentuates the pain of Aaron's absence, this year the Rosh Hashanah davening, which I usually find inspiring (well, somewhat more or less so depending on the chazzan!), made me feel much worse. In particular, the centerpiece prayer of the service, "Unesana Tokef", with its quintessential message of reward and punishment, was terrifyingly personal and real:

"On Rosh Hashanah it is written,
And on Yom Kippur it is sealed
Who will live and who will die
Who will meet a timely end,
And who an untimely end..."

I am a person who always wants to know why. When applied to Aaron's loss, that tendency has become very dangerous and scary. I have tried to push it down, to keep telling myself that we are never meant to understand God's plan, that Aaron is in a better place, and all the other "good" rationalizations. But Unesana Tokef cut right through all these emotional shields. As I listened to the chazzan, one question, one "why", would not be silenced in my heart: Why wasn't my son written in the "book of life" last Rosh Hashana? Why???

OrthoMom wrote a lovely piece right before Rosh Hashanah, in which she presented a symbolic interpretation of Unesana Tokef as demonstrating the value and preciousness of life. I can appreciate this as an additional option, a "drash". But the "pshat", the simple literal meaning of this prayer, is so obvious, so clearly intended by the legendary author, that I cannot dismiss it.

This is not an issue of faith. I believe with all my heart that Aaron's essence still exists and is with God. In fact I can't even imagine what it would have been like to endure his loss if I didn't have this emunah in the permanence of his soul. But how can I ignore the fact that the main blessing we beseech God for, over and over again in the high holiday services, is for life. Not for heaven, not for the resurrection, but for life, pure and basic.

We are a religion of life - the life of this world. Reward and punishment in the world to come is something we do believe in, but the entire focus of our observance and theology is to preserve current, physical life, at nearly all costs. "Therefore choose life". "The book of life". "Lechayim". Unesana Tokef doesn't say "who will live, and who will go to heaven". Death is portrayed as a failure, as the ultimate bad judgment that must be avoided.

I have no neat conclusion to this post, and I'm not fishing for an answer that I know does not exist. There is more I want to say about the fundamental question of "why bad things happen to good people" (yes, I did just finish reading Rabbi Kushner's famous book), but my thoughts are not coherent enough yet to put down in writing.

On the immediate issue, I'll just have to accept that like so many other aspects of my life, my high holiday prayers will never be the same as they were before.

Thanks for giving me the chance to unload. And may all of us, and all our children, all be inscribed and sealed in the book of life for the coming year.