Perchance To Dream

I've been disturbed and frustrated by the fact that since losing Aaron, I have not dreamed about him - not even once. I spend so many of my waking moments thinking about the kid, but he has yet to visit my dreams. I long to communicate with Aaron again in some manner, even if just in a vision. To tell him how sorry I am, how much I miss and love him, or just to see his face and hear his voice one more time.

By contrast, since my father Z'L passed away just over a year-and-a-half ago, I have dreamed about him numerous times, including within the past week or two. These dreams are always incredibly vivid, full of detail and verisimilitude. Almost invariably, I am aware in the dream that my father has died, and there is some logical (or at least dream- logical) reason for him to be back, at least temporarily.

Similarly, all of my other kids have dreamed about Aaron since his passing. Ben in particular has had several variations on a dream in which Aaron visits him at home or in school, offering advise, encouragement, or praise. Ben's dream older brother is openly and warmly supportive of his efforts and struggles in way that, most likely, he had needed/wished his real-life counterpart to have been.

I'm no pop-psychologist, and certainly no Joseph. But it seems reasonable that we tend to dream about those individuals we've lost, with whom we have the most unfinished business. If there's truth in that notion, then perhaps Aaron's absence from my own dreams indicates that our relationship was solid and uncomplicated, that we left no major issues unresolved.

That's a comforting thought. Still, I so wish to see Aaron in my dreams, even just one time. To hear him tell me he's doing OK in the olam ha-emes. And to express all the goodbyes that I never got to say.