Elie's Expositions

A bereaved father blogging for catharsis... and for distraction. Accordingly, you'll see a diverse set of topics and posts here, from the affecting to the analytical to the absurd. Something for everyone, but all, at the core, meeting a personal need.


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Friday, September 09, 2005

Perchance To Dream

I've been disturbed and frustrated by the fact that since losing Aaron, I have not dreamed about him - not even once. I spend so many of my waking moments thinking about the kid, but he has yet to visit my dreams. I long to communicate with Aaron again in some manner, even if just in a vision. To tell him how sorry I am, how much I miss and love him, or just to see his face and hear his voice one more time.

By contrast, since my father Z'L passed away just over a year-and-a-half ago, I have dreamed about him numerous times, including within the past week or two. These dreams are always incredibly vivid, full of detail and verisimilitude. Almost invariably, I am aware in the dream that my father has died, and there is some logical (or at least dream- logical) reason for him to be back, at least temporarily.

Similarly, all of my other kids have dreamed about Aaron since his passing. Ben in particular has had several variations on a dream in which Aaron visits him at home or in school, offering advise, encouragement, or praise. Ben's dream older brother is openly and warmly supportive of his efforts and struggles in way that, most likely, he had needed/wished his real-life counterpart to have been.

I'm no pop-psychologist, and certainly no Joseph. But it seems reasonable that we tend to dream about those individuals we've lost, with whom we have the most unfinished business. If there's truth in that notion, then perhaps Aaron's absence from my own dreams indicates that our relationship was solid and uncomplicated, that we left no major issues unresolved.

That's a comforting thought. Still, I so wish to see Aaron in my dreams, even just one time. To hear him tell me he's doing OK in the olam ha-emes. And to express all the goodbyes that I never got to say.

7 Comments:

At 9/9/05, 5:06 PM, Blogger benros52589 said...

u will dream about him eventually but now i think ure to depressed to dream about his goodness

 
At 9/10/05, 9:28 PM, Blogger torontopearl said...

Shavuah Tov, Elie --

Read this post on the blog Five Years Later. It touches on the same topic...

http://fiveyearslater.blogspot.com/2005/08/dreaming.html

 
At 9/12/05, 10:21 PM, Blogger Alan aka Avrum ben Avrum said...

Dear Elie,

I have had but one dream about my son Ben Z'L in these almost five years since his passing. I commented to Sara-whose blog Five Years Later TorontoPearl cites- that I am forgetting the sound of Ben's voice as well-perhaps normal but lamentable in any case.

I wish you and your family well! May the New Year shower you with much mazel, brocho and chatzlacha!I am ...

Sincerely yours,

Alan D. Busch

 
At 9/12/05, 11:06 PM, Blogger Glen Holman said...

Elie,
I can sympathize on an emotional level. However, I feel comfortable saying that when someone is in the Olam HaEmes,nothing is hidden from them. Aaron surely knows how much you care about,love and miss him.He knows all the things you would have wanted to say but never got the chance. Believing that our children are in a perfect place is part of our challenge and emunah.

glen

 
At 9/13/05, 9:49 AM, Blogger Elie said...

Thanks to all for your kind words.

Glen, from an emunah standpoint I have no doubt he's in a better place. But I still hope for these dreams, even though I know rationally that they would just be expressions of my own subconscious and not visions of the real Aaron. The emotional need doesn't care what my intellect has to say.

 
At 9/18/05, 12:10 PM, Blogger Batya said...

You're trying too hard. The ghosts come when they're ready.

 
At 9/18/05, 12:25 PM, Blogger Elie said...

Not exactly trying, just wishing and hoping. But your point is well-taken. "What dreams may come" will come when they will come.

Update: On Friday night I did have brief dream about Aaron. Not much to blog home about, though.

 

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